I spend an hour and a half of the hour-long appointment loudly communicating my dissatisfaction of my current attorney's performance. After our last appointment over two weeks ago I was looking at a basic list of about 43 issues. I recollect that map, out the wrongdoing in my case. It strikes me that I created that list without being able to review the proceedings in any way whatsoever. The first seven and a half months of being told we needed to wait for transcripts and to have line summaries prepared is actually unnecessary to the second step of legal writing when you can just watch the case on the internet, notwithstanding the first trial and any pretrial hearings. Upset about my post-conviction arguments contained in the rough draft I received about two months ago, I requested a simple list of issues my lawyer identified with solid legal standing but ended up writing my own list after not receiving anything from her about it. After presenting her with my own list, she said she would send me a document containing the compilation of both of our lists but she never did. Some group members carried my complaints to my brother who shoveled excuses at them, including how Natalie supposedly had set an appointment to speak with me and cancelled it due to illness, but I never received a notice from the prison litigation coordinator for either supposed event. She also dismissed my frustration in a text to my brother on the premise that inmates get emotional around the holidays, but my frustration has virtually nothing to do with the holidays and is actually predicated on the idea that my attorney hasn’t even accomplished “step two,” which could have been done with what we all had available to us the day after I was convicted. Basically, she just has not bothered with “the process and the work that has been done.” It is largely just a distraction of impotent arguments by someone unfamiliar with the case, the law, or both. And instead of reserving time and working with me on this, she has instead poisoned my family with excuses that mix with their own ignorance and arrogance to leave me destitute of my most necessary support.

During the conference call she made the error of disagreeing with me, to which I was compelled to vomit definitions and quotes from cases considered controlling authority at her. I am right. I am not a lawyer or never studied to pass a bar exam, but I comprehend what I read and I am absolutely certain of the issues I identified as being meritorious issues that demand a judge. Instead, it seems voluminous impropriety that forever perpetuates incarceration by holding the convicted under a court system’s “harmless error” analysis and the years it takes to ricochet up through the reviewing courts for reconsideration is the customary approach. Except my case goes beyond the usual and is in fact quite exceptional in so many ways that failing to present those issues is really disingenuous to an honest account of it all.

Yes, I want to pick the corn out of the punch bowl, but failing to remove the whole turd leaves the punch still undrinkable. Actually, no punch is drinkable after someone drops a turd in the bowl and it all deserves to be thrown out. Picking out the corn isn’t the solution to the problem.

Meatgazer is waiting for me, as usual, when I come out of my cell at 6:45am to grab my breakfast tray. He dramatically leans over to the side to demonstrate that he is looking at me in some exaggerated gesture to see around other inmates. It makes me uncomfortable so I go stand on the opposite side of another inmate. He wants any sort of attention he can give me. Last night, I forgot to mention, Braids had told me that I was not allowed to trade food because I am on a special diet, and Meatgazer yelled from down the hall just to be part of any opportunity to say something to me. The other day, the same thing happened too. He was yelling from down the hall while another guard and I were talking, while he was actually distributing medication. So, paying me any sort of attention is his priority. I suspect it is this sort of attention that is behind my mail disappearing but I have no proof. It seems to me that the guards try to isolate inmates from their loved ones and limit the social interaction to demand the attention and any emotional connection that inmates might need. Their overt actions are fairly regulated to exact their interests but the daily persistence with certain discretionary particulars make it blatantly obvious, as yelling down hallways for things that do not involve you may tend to demonstrate. Being greeted by a uniformed pickle smoocher bent at his waist to stare at my junk at 6:45am this morning was perfectly obvious as well. It seems like he will do any sort of job he can do to me to replace the blow job he isn't allowed to. Then, as I had legal access today, Meatgazer was sure to not only come tell me my time was up, but before I could collect my notes and put my notes and pens into my folder, he came back a second time to tell me to be done. His attention is as constant as he can apply it. I distinguish, there is a difference between applying discretion for the security of an institution and abusing discretion as an expression of perverted affection. That is really what it comes down to; his personal interest in affecting me and my life. The legal clerk even said Meatgazer was "stalking" me after he so quickly returned to tell me my time was done. Is there such a thing as non-sexual sexual harassment?

About 12:00 noon, I get called to the unit managers office because he wanted (END OF RECEIVED JOURNAL ENTRY)

I cross paths with the guard, "Braids," who was being yelled at by Jeepers yesterday. While I am sitting in the law library I tell her about Jeepers interest in the guy across from me, and how she gropes him, and gives him permission to touch her, and made her other coworker look foolish for disciplining the inmate she likes by saying that she herself would never issue him a ticket for covering his window while her coworker was standing at his cell issuing him the ticket. All the petty drama in the prison soap opera I watch everyday. About Jeepers behavior with or about the inmate, Braids says "that's her business." I say to her that it was obvious she was being yelled at because the other guard didn't get what she wanted from the inmate but Braids said she doesn't pay it any mind. Braids was the guard opening the cell traps when Jeepers was looking through my neighbors trap to see his cock. Jeepers, Cowgirl, and Braids all seem to participate in, or at least condone what I would call sexually predatory behavior. I guess it isn't criminal if it is consenting adults? But it still seems somehow wrong to me as would a teacher sleeping with her 18 year old high school student. Regardless of my feelings, it is readily accepted behavior and a safe-haven for voyeurism and molestation. 

Jeepers Creepers gets mad because the guy across from me has his window covered when she is called to bring him a roll of toilet paper. The way she springs in front of the window for her surprise peep only to be confronted by the cover of a magazine cover is fairly comical, but she immediately starts complaining. She was hoping to get a look. Not long afterward she is down the hall yelling at another guard then as well about making a needless trip. Walking 40 feet is apparently disagreeable to her standing around by the control cage gossiping. It's only worth walking around when she can eye fondle an inmate. When I see the guard she was yelling at pass by my cell I tell her not to let Jeepers bother her too much. 

About 1:00pm I go to HSU where a female guard who used to work on the housing unit where I am currently assigned. As I am telling other inmates about Jeepers Creepers listening to inmates cells while they are on the phone, groping inmates junk while doing pat searches, and stalking the window of the inmate across from me, the guard "Cowgirl" not only knows and says which guard I am talking about but laughs about how "that's how it goes."

At 7:16am I am standing at the toilet pissing when Meatgazer does his rounds where I see him in the mirror not only stop and watch me using the toilet, he actually doubles back for a second look. Last Saturday, the 12th, I think it was, he had done a round while I lay on my bunk and he shined his flashlight on me, but then doubled back to give me some prolonged examination while my ass was pointed at the door. He goes out of his way to say something to me every day. As an example, yesterday another inmate and I were waiting to grab our meal from the kitchen and Meatgazer said something to me which I didn't hear clearly, but the inmate next to me commented that the guard wanted to see my penis. So, it isn't only my own impression that the guard maintains inordinate attention to me.

They were looking through camera footage to find something to harass me about the other day, but they must not have found anything. Today I have multiple guards yelling at me about tucking in my shirt when I come out of my cell for reviewing discovery material. Then, on my way back to my cell about an hour later a guard tells me they searched my cell. They dump my food out of any containers that originally held other kinds of food, and confiscate the second pillow I was issued to try to position myself to sleep with this miserable back injury. When I question their having taken the second flat plastic pillow I am told that the authorization is no longer in the system so they bothered to remove the permission and then come take my pillow. I had it every time my cell has been searched for over a year but only after writing letters to the warden explaining the unit manager and litigation coordinator provided him with false information do I get targeted with this scheme. I spend the afternoon organizing my things without the convenience of containers and fill out a medical request to see if they will issue a replacement pillow. Since I received trigger point injections, it isn't too critical, until the shots start to wear off which usually happens after about two months. 

The guy across from me is issued a disciplinary ticket by the older female guard and Jeepers accompanies her to issue the ticket. While the inmate complains, Jeepers repeatedly emphasizes how she never writes him up. It is evident that Jeepers hasn't recruited other guards to treat him with any favor. 

I don't know why so much mail keeps failing to arrive at its intended destination. I have purposefully severely reduced my correspondence but it seems whatever was/is causing the loss of my mail is not contingent on the amount I send, and my mail continues to disappear without explanation.

My trigger point injections have been help enough to get a few more hours of sleep at night. It drastically reduces how much hair I lose and allows me to focus better and longer on what I read. Certain movements still send a shooting pain but only for an instant. My elbow and heel continue to bother me but health care is just not "care" at all if they can avoid it. So they do.

I have been trying to watch some (American) football to distract me through the weekends. Fantasy football is popular with a lot of the inmates. I don't gamble but it appears to me that much of what inmates claim to need from their loved ones is just gambled away to other inmates via cards or sports betting. I think it is shameful to take from loved ones and especially so to waste it so senselessly.

​A young guy across from me and another young guy down the hall are from the same town or area and often talk about the same girls. Because one brags about Jeepers Creepers touching his junk during pat down searches, it seems there is some competition about it between the two. Today, the guy down the hall catches Jeepers doing a round and asks why she didn't pat him down the day before. Ever since the guy across from me told Jeepers that she goes home and plays with herself while thinking about him they seem to be emboldened in their expectations of her and the way they speak to her. She doesn't seem to take the guy down the hall but she rarely passes the cell across from me without rolling her nose print across the window. It's the only version of heterosexuality I witness unless I am at the visitation room when an inmate is visited by his romantic partner. Well, and my own dreams, but I do not want to invite the wrong attention by detailing those experiences here. I suppose the nauseating discomfort of losing letters composed of heartfelt sincerity and having my personal affairs made public both share a very similar feeling. I am very disinclined to write to people I enjoy talking to. I have always been a private person and suppose it will be difficult to welcome close relationships in the future too. I suppose what it all comes down to is that  the guards will use their authority to sabotage or interfere with inmates personal relationships and if we don't participate in the relationship they desire to have, then we are harassed. 

Well, the fourth has come and gone but the additional delay is supposed to hold good omen so I continue to be patiently impatient. While looking at the discovery material today, a guard asked about the portable hard drive that holds the files my attorney sent to me. She said that they are "reviewing the camera" which may indicate they are looking for some excuse to harass me. My complaints of not being provided sufficient time have gone to the Warden in letters so instead of providing inmates with access they look for excuses to discipline for a supposed "legitimate" reason to deprive inmates access to legal and court resources. These are the good guys.