About 9:05am, I go to HSU and talk to nurse Lee. I reiterate my request for heating pads and trigger point injections explaining that I need a heating pad that doesn't shut off after two hours because I need the prolonged heat. She tells me to apply a rag soaked in hot water. Our water doesn't even get hot. 

Welcome to Zacaholics synonymous. I remain in limbo and struggle to sort my feelings for what to write about. I write often but vasilate between rants of frustration at the injustice system or things on TV that catch my attention. Then I throw away what I had written to try to avoid wasting peoples time. Somehow various shows can express common sense completely abandoned in the investigation or trial against me and I may write about the shows when I watch them but afterward I feel it doesn't explain or expand contemplations most everyone reading my journal hasn't already exercised. 

I met with Christine Berndt-Miles, the dietician, over video chat in the HSU about 8:50am. With the doctors authorization, I was approved for a diet modification that should make it easier on me. The exclusion of soy protein and substitution of oatmeal for milk will allow me to depend on protein powder and peanut butter less. 

When I don't complain about my back hurting or lack of sleep, or missing my kids, for some reason people have recently written to me stating they are glad I feel better. My back hurts so bad that with the ability to try to sleep for 23 hours per day that I can only manage three or four hours. It is no different than to have someone elbowing me in the back constantly. The discomfort and lack of sleep keep me fairly crabby but I do not take it out on people.

I caught a news segment about a police officer who claimed to have been struck by a falling acorn that he mistook for being a bullet presumed to be shot from a gun by a man in handcuffs in the back of his squad car. His body camera video showed him emptying the clip of his pistol into the vehicle at the unarmed man. He claimed that he could not feel his legs after he was hit. How big was the alleged acorn? Police officers only require a G.E.D. to get a job. Give people with no life experience and education the most power and authority over peoples lives and property? All to the advantages of predatory government. Especially so when they are dishonest. I am not antigovernment. I just feel it could all be done so much better but those with power corrupt the system to suit their own interests. 

Thomas Jefferson actually wrote about, while designing and mostly copying the substance for our own constitution, the theories and flaws in governance. I think we could do better to redesign a few foundational documents now that various sciences have depend our understanding. Plus, originally, it was more of a vehicle to facilitate feudal warfare and slavery. Perfectly evident when the process of securing a criminal conviction is so centered around the elimination of a person's rights. Again I point out the variance in interpretation and application of constitutional rights and protections. Like, do inmates have a right to a fair trial in front of an impartial tribunal when the officer overseeing the hearing intentionally omits testimony from the record to eliminate any possible argument or appeal of his decision to "go with his staff" in his decision to punish an inmate for an impossible and absurd accusation? No, I still cannot get into the vocational program. Round and round I go with the same complaints. Sorry. I caught a comment about how expressing finality instead of asking for help (when calling 911) is an indication that the person is involved with what has transpired, on some crime show where they have professional commentators. I don't like those shows but the idea stuck in my head so I wrote it down. Someday I will get to listen to the interviews, interrogations, and 911 calls in the discovery material. I don't know that I am very good at spotting certain issues but I know other people have done an awesome job at identifying things I would otherwise be oblivious. Really, I expect watching any of that sort of stuff will frustrate and disgust me and I don't know if I will be able to sit through it all.

​Does anyone else think the Democrats would do better to run Al Gore instead of Joe Biden in the next presidential election? Now that climate change is more accepted? I can't watch Biden talk without thinking about tapioca pudding. 

I have been in prison about eight months and do not recall a single instance of an inmate talking about getting out and following the laws. Most of the big talkers fantasize about getting transferred to a minimum security prison and saving up some money on a work program to make a play at something largely illegal to make up for lost time. Department of Corrections does not reduce risk seeking behavior. I am on the impression it makes it worse by increasing the desperation and further disenfranchising inmates from the benefits of regular society to be an inevitably greater burden later on.

We are told we will not get rec today so I asked about if they would be willing to rotate the phone to the cells. At 8:32am, I ask the two guards strolling down the hall chatting but am told they don't have anyone available. I then ask about the other guard accompanying the one who first replied to my question and am told that he is just walking with her. if you can lean, you can clean? They claim to not have enough staff but have two guards just strolling around chatting. They claim to not have enough staff but the truth is they have more than enough but intentionally refuse to provide inmates with services.

I did hear another inmate tell someone on the phone to tell an inmate at the Green Bay prison to "push up on" another inmate who was let out of the hole too quickly and presumed to have "snitched" on someone for his early release. I think it was well implied he was directing violence to be perpetrated on an inmate for his cooperation with prison staff. Yes, other inmates can order a "hit" but I cannot tell my children I love them.

Did anyone else watch the last 25 laps of the Daytona 500? It appeared to me that a string of Fords were working to recover their lead after a pit stop were wiped out by a driver on a team of Chevrolet. The Fords had dominated a lot of the race but one underhanded "pip maneuver" ruined who I felt really deserved the victory. And, the guy who caused the crash then won the race really solidifying my unappreciation for racing. Not all racing, but if a guy is going to get a trophy for destruction derby driving then it seems to betray the honor and prestige of the race. 

How about another dream?

It begins with me and my daughter playing hide and seek with a group of people over at my friends house. (This actually happened when she was younger.) I was showing her how to be clever about changing your hiding spot and trying to pick spots where you could tell where the seeker had already checked. When I walked into the doors of the exposed face basement there were a group of people talking in a circle. As I leaned down to collect my belongings a fight breaks out in the group where a friend of mine lays out three other guys and is confused by why they and a girl sporadically attacked him. He laughs at the girl trying to hit him and says he needs to go upstairs which he promptly does in big leaping strides skipping many steps at a time. I finish collecting my things which include a rifle that is a smaller caliber military looking style with a short scope on it. I too head upstairs and go to use the bathroom where I discover my roommate has left a plastic bag out on the sink. I think he still maintains habits from also having been in prison when I hear breaking glass in the front room. I run to the front room and realize someone is shooting into the house. I get into a position where I can shoot out of the lower left corner of a broken window somewhat obstructed by a tree and bushes just outside. I catch two men at the front door and a number of them circling the house before the police arrive. The attackers shoot and injure one of the officers and I cannot help him from my location so I exit the house and catch a few more attackers who were most distracted by the responding officers. It all happens very quickly and, after I shoot through one and a half magazines, I had shot nine people who I presumed to be attempting to rob my roommate for his reputation for selling large quantities of drugs before he went to prison. As I am cleaning up the broken glass I realize I don't know if my roommate is okay but when I find him in the basement he is not shot but he is deaf and blind to me. As I head back upstairs to try to find some help or a way to figure out why I am immaterial to him, I get a panic feeling of being chased. Too preoccupied with where I am fleeing, I do not look back to see the source of the chasing footsteps until I get to the front room again where my rifle is gone but I am cornered. I turn around to see my roommates face morph into a demon with no idea how I will defend myself. 

Awoken by a call over the intercom requesting we "buzz up" If we want to receive evening medications. 

I haven't been writing very much lately because my letters are being delayed or not being sent out at all. Sending a letter to my brother used to take three days and now takes almost two weeks if it gets there at all. I suppose that means the mail room is cutting open and reading my mail. The notice prohibiting me from communicating with my daughter because her mother called the prison and told them to stop me included the "carbon copy" to the mailroom and now sending letters has all sorts of problems for me. Also, I don't think I have received any books since then either. At least not when there regular mailroom guy is working. I have a small pile of notices that they denied delivery of the last four or five books. I think one notice is for two books. I wish the money spent on books was used for a tablet that didn't have a messed up screen. The one I have now messes with my eyes. The screen is dark to one eye which makes it weird to use. The new tablet has a better screen and you can access tons of old books for free via the tablet.

​Jail and prison use excuses to throw inmate property away because they collect a percent of the business inmates spend on movies, music, and other things. If the government gets to tax you, it finds every excuse to compel you to buy things by which it can tax you. It sort of would be like law enforcement coming into your house and throwing away or seizing your food or alcohol while you were at work just so you would have to buy replacements. Except, you can't get a job and have to beg family and friends for money. Basically, caring for people in prison incurs a burden and punishment on you as well as the prisoner. Justice? Exploitive call center of petty depravities and harassments? I really dislike needing to ask anyone for anything. Can you tell? For all the resources, the prison system seems to champion the most wasteful use of them. The false pretense that inmates are neglected or deprived of anything because they do not have enough staff is absurd. They could provide four times the recreation and phone calls with what they have. There could be unlimited legal access and clerical support. The food could be much better as well; less expensive and healthier. There is no competitive interest that challenges the institution to be better. It is really just forced to make any change by lawsuits over things that should never have occurred in the first place. Never have occurred in the first place or had been responded to with any good or honest interest. 

Happy Valentines Day to all the Gangstas of love. I suppose things have been quiet for everyone as things have been quiet for me too about any progress with the appeal. 

I guess, in the last few days, someone saw me stretching in my cell so some of the guys comment about how I "do yoga." There's no real privacy but I usually time it out so inmates and guards don't see. Not sure who saw me or when. 

As usual I write down quotes that inspire or provoke thought. I watched Dark Waters with Mark Ruffalo who plays Robert Bilott challenging Dow Chemicals use of PFOA/C8 to make teflon and dispose of the waste into the water stream. "The system is rigged. They want us to think that they protect us." I hear things like that and think that is so accurately applies to law enforcement, the legal system, the penal system, and health care. My own experience with all of these has proved to be quite the opposite. I also watched Prestige with Christian Bale and Hugh Jackman. "You won't find it because you're not really looking." When your life is staked against the theory that people are rational triers of fact when in fact people fail that process as often as they may succeed? We all know the trial was based on false or information taken out of context to secure the conviction of an innocent person which could not have been possible without the judges obvious pattern of behavior.

Let me pump the breaks on my legal complaining and say; what a great super bowl. That was about the most fun as I could have in prison. A really good game with a lot of unexpected things. I am not a big sports enthusiast but I am glad I got to watch.  

At 3:03am I hit the button for the intercom and ask the female officer to "please ask" the guard to clack his baton lighter. A male voice in the background says there is nothing they can do about that. I add that the other guards do it quietly so I know that isn't true. She tells me "We'll see what we can do" in an almost sarcastic tone.

I did get almost four hours of sleep though, which, compared to the two hours last night is way better but still way lacking. I don't get used to it; the lack of sleep. 

I filled my belly with peanut butter and protein powder on top of the standard issue meal. Actually, it was a meal I saved from yesterday and I traded the pizza for a pack of tuna which I will eat another day. I trade my desserts as well. The right kind of food is minimally available but I am always eager to trade tasty to fight hungry. 

I met with the social worker, Peters, today. I ask her to release information to my family and communicate with them that prohibiting communication with my daughter is above her authority if that is the case, which it appears that it is. I signed a form to authorize her to do so. She runs out of time and says she will follow up with me tomorrow morning.