Yes. Up all night again after the guard woke me up the night before. Twenty minutes of sleep in about three days. 

I call my daughter today about 2:30pm. She is with a woman from some "CSS," community services agency. She was picked up from school by this lady and is "just hanging out." I want that job! Paid to hang out with my daughter? Perfect job for me. Our daughters only mother-daughter connection is the vilification of me, even when it is not and could not possibly be the truth. They accused me of manipulating my daughter and they could not be more wrong. When all indications clearly show it is her mothers actions and interests. It's so sick and twisted, and selfish. Even worse, I cannot just request a recording of the call to ask anyone for real help for her. Every authority so full of the fantasies of the Disney, I mean District Attorneys office that they are blind to reality. Who doesn't acknowledge the awesome office theory?

I fell asleep before the 9:30pm standing count for about twenty minutes. I didn't sleep at all last night. Not one wink. I am awoken for the count by the guard having turned my light on, and he is yelling and pounding on my door. Yes, I haven't slept in days. Just to stand me up to count me? If this was effective for anything but the ego of the guards that perpetuate the policy I would be shocked. Recidivism rate? Maybe if penological interests weren't essentially petty inconveniences and bullying then something positive and constructive could be accomplished.

On all fours writing how dumb I am. Should have rested longer but the physical therapy prescribes two to three times per week. Now I will really have a hard time falling asleep. So stupid.

Also dumb; when the guards do their rounds they pretend they need to shine a light in your cell to check your well being but they pay so little attention that even with my light on, curled up or crouched on all fours, he still shines the light. He doesn't ask if I am okay or even bother to look. Really it is just a way to harass inmates, probably because someone died and their family sued. That seems to be the history to most policy. Actual participation just goes into the type of person that tenjoys being an ass.

I have always been shocked at how little guards do. If I get a few letters it is usually met with some comment or complaint. Yes, I love trees. Take away practical access to other forms of communicating and more will die. I don't want it to be that way but they will be rude to me as though I was forcing them to go to work. Not all of them. But, many. The guard at Dodge who laughed about lining the inmates up along the chain link fence and waiting for lightning during a storm really captured the resentment in that description. The funny part is that the fence would probably protect the inmates as it is a conductor and divert a lightning strike away. Like a lightning rod, but a whole lot of them. Possibly not if it isn't buried deep enough, but unless they also bury the inmates I think it is very unlikely to work the way he fantasizes. Because to be a guard you don't need any real education and it probably helps you to get the job if you just aren't a good person. That is largely my impression from other places. Boscobel hasn't been so bad yet. This disciplinary issue and no sensible consideration on my complaint about what happened at Dodge doesn't seem right though. Any excuse to ignore or deny my requests. I am being respectful and asking for an honest determination of the facts. History is by those that write it? At this point I am just a ranting, rambling, madman. Or, I probably seem that way. Lets play a game of rock, paper, scissors. Ready? One, two, three, shoot! Who won? Well you can write whatever you want. Best out of three?

No way could I do rec today. I was thinking just to go walk around but even that would be trouble. I haven't been doing too much reading lately. My eyes hurt too much. Also, with antagonizing my back, I haven't been doing my stretching and I think the tingling in my heel might be getting worse.

My back finally let go. I don't know a better way to describe it. I pass out hard for about four hours. It hurts like usual now. Not the struggle to breathe or really sharp pain. Just that "is my spine bruised?" sort of ache and soreness that I usually rate as a four. It's usually enough to prevent any restful sleep but after being up for days I was exhausted enough. By 2:00pm, I am "back" at my physical therapy again. Dreading the next three or four days but more desperate to realize any sort of improvement.

I don't even know how I am going to respond to the denial of my latest step in the complaint process. Since their procedure is to lie and accept those lies even though they couldn't possibly be truth. As long as it exists in their imagination then I am to suffer the consequences. No help. An advocate that watched the surveillance footage and knew the librarian was lying got hostile with me instead of any possible assistance. It is all just such a scam. "Mine is the only opinion that matters." - Jessie Schneider.

I got two notices today that the publications they withheld for not having receipts (which people wrote to me to tell me the they selected the gift receipt option) require I fill out a disbursement to pay to have them shipped out or in ten days will be destroyed. I don't even know for certain which books it is but if they were shipped incorrectly it should not be my burden. Because they take 87%, four dollars from me is like thirty dollars from my family. I don't have an income but that is how they get their money. Some twisted extortion of inmates loved ones.

​My foolish attempt at getting at least two founds of physical therapy per week did not work out so well. Less than 12 hours after I did my prescribed exercises) since my back let go about 2:00pm), I try to sit up in bed to use the toilet and lightning. 1:43am. I guess that means this is September 28th.

I received the Amended ICE Report and accompanying Amended Reviewing Authorities Decision for my complaint. The decision tore because it was adhered to the envelope glue. They dismissed my complaint claiming there was no procedural error. They claim it was a complaint against the hearing officer. For depriving me of adequate notice, due process, and a fair trial in front of a neutral magistrate? Their procedure is to omit evidence that impeaches their staff, omit testimony from the record that demonstrates the claim by the staff is absurd, refuse to provide adequate notice, refuse to postpone the hearing to allow an inmate to defend himself? I am still not exactly sure what the process is intended to be but a bunch of people that get to make up whatever they want and make sure you cannot dispute the allegations to any reasonable authority. It's just too fake. They cannot be considering my complaint with any sincerity. I am going to try to file another appeal or review or whatever they require. What a scam!

I am so stressed out right now struggling for sleep through back pain they offer no relief for. I continue with these physical therapy exercises that just seem to make it worse and I don't find I am too weak. It just hurts. So, I am not even sure the assessment is quite right. Some of the movements definitely tweak the right spot.

​But on top of that miserable shit, I have to try to argue against the liars who happily, with smug grins on their faces, doctor a bogus story just to compromise my access to programs and a quiet housing unit. Buried in the neglectful or intentionally obstructive methods or excuses offer no genuine consideration of the issues in dispute. "[] pleadings that attempt to invoke examination of factors outside of the established hearing record cannot be addressed." So, as long as they lie and make it the official record, I cannot dispute what they do. How crooked is that!? Proper notice is supposed to be part of the procedure. Adequate time to prepare a defense is supposed to be part of the procedure. "No Procedural Challenge." What?

No sleep. Not a blink. Five more weeks of physical therapy. I wrote a request for a special needs committee to consider authorizing me a heating pad. Some nurse whose name begins with a K replied they "don't do" heating pads at WSPF. Other inmates have CPAP machines. A policy that appears to me to be similar to their promise to take away any blanket I might knit or crochet that would be big enough for me. Deprive inmates effective medical treatment to assure discomfort. Jail was the same.

The guys on the range talk about scheming today. One claims that people in his neighborhood know how to scam a rental car company and insurance company to get a free car, and then they sell the vehicles for money. Another gets a $20,000 grant or loan from the government under other people's names. Democratic agenda being played for fools. There is a rent assistance scam to collect money from the government as well as claiming to be a care giver for a family member or friend and splitting that government paycheck as well. Instead of becoming more sophisticated with software like Rubberduely to collect account information from people's phones and electronic devices and then siphoning off money to a cash app account, or forging fake gift cards or credit cards, the conversation goes to robbing people and who has the most violent neighborhood. Promises that other inmates couldn't walk through another inmates neighborhood without being "stripped" are passive aggressively targeted back and forth. The school and cultivation of criminal thinking is predominant by grouping these types of people with the rest. Risk seeking behavior coupled with desperation is often evident. What is happening now is that the behavior is glorified and bragged about to the admiration of their peer group. Any surreptitious method to achieve gain or success with minimal effort receives accolades. Efficiency is paramount to integrity. They are results oriented. Their impression of success of their sense of business acumen disregards ethical or sympathetic consideration. They are pleased that the world is an enemy so there is opportunity everywhere. Opportunity to do the least to get by.

It's good they aren't law enforcement because police reports would turn up faked and fraudulent for their own convenience. Oh, wait. I guess police reports are already often faked, further blurring the line that distinguishes predators from protectors. I have no doubt that any of these inmates would get on the stand for a few minutes to skip a ten year mandatory minimum sentence. Or, if they were prosecutors invite and even coach another person to lie on the stand to convict an innocent person.  Of course I feel the quality of the character of these braggadocios inmates seems to parallel the moral alignment of corrupt authority. They celebrate what they can take from other people, by whatever crooked means. Instead of using the local newspaper to promulgate a message about what they took from or cost a person that they harmed, the inmates spread their stories first-hand, word of mouth. It is a break from the usual racist hate speech but leaves me wondering. True impartiality should determine equivocal punishment for what is fundamentally the same behavior? Should a corrupt prosecutor be obligated to serve the mandatory minimum they were willing to dishonestly bargain away? That seems like a fairness that a system that is just would require. "Just" a thought. Ha! Not only do I complain but I also parallel criminal behavior to corrupt authorities. Someone please tell me when it gets old.

I got mail today. My tired and cranky self becomes tired and happy while I read through the correspondence. I underline, circle, and add notes to comments and questions I want to reply to. 25 letter allowable limit means I need to prioritize what to keep. Because many people took interest in my story because of their own trauma, I try very hard not to show any partiality. 25 is not enough. Not even close to enough. Plus, I like to have the jokes and fun stuff to pick me up when I am feeling low. Feeling low is way too easy without sleep. Not even a heating pad? Villains. 

The only prom I ever went to I was not allowed in because I was wearing a dress. I was a junior, I think. A friend of mine at the time felt a way about himself that desired to go to prom in a dress. My girlfriend at the time was unable to attend and I was expecting to go but was not going to go with him as a date. In a moment watching him select a dress I offered to wear the other dress to go in support of his decision to express himself. They didn't let us in. At a party later that evening someone grabbed him and dragged him outside. It was more of a spin and shove through the front door. I pushed through the group to go defend him and aside from some scrapes and scratches from the gravel driveway, he was okay. It was then, and still is now, important to support and try to defend my friend. Doing things like that might offend some people. I think lots of things about my life don't suit other peoples prerogatives. I have always been a lot of Brave and foolish, both. I ended up moving away and our friendship was not maintained but I still never read the book he wrote and I always wondered what moments he elected to include. At least I heard he wrote a book. I don't know if it was ever published.

mThat night I attempted to go to prom popped into my mind while composing a letter to someone. There are times I fear what people will think or say when they read what is here. I don't really know to what purpose or what group of people I am writing. I am just letting my thoughts flow onto the paper (expecting it will subsequently be censored for the must vulgar and profane sentiments and then typed into whatever format the internet consumes it). I guess it really comes down to the expectation that if you want a reason to dislike me, or anyone else, you will find one. And, the people that have been willing to come defend me have been so accepting of my faults and irregularities that it didn't cloud their ability to see the truth. I wish I could elaborate more about the elephant in the room, but that cannot happen until after the appeal. I think we all know what lying under oath is. If you didn't know it when you witnessed the testimony of the people claiming to be witnesses then... okay, I will leave it alone for now.

Oh my God! That smell is me!? What did I eat that makes me smell like this? My diet is so alien to me that I didn't even recognize my own body odor. Avocados, oatmeal, lemon juice, fish, spinach, eggs. None of that ever made me smell like this. I take a rag and lather it thick with the bar of soap before I start my shower. The fifteen minute trickle is enough. to wash most of me. It's the rinsing that takes the longest. Then I have to use another rag to wipe off any left over soap. And then towel dry myself, the walls, and the floor. Then I turn my fan on the highest setting to help clear the humidity before book covers start to curl and envelopes begin sealing themselves shut. I should have just mailed the empty envelopes to important people like the attorney general or the governor. They deserve more correspondence from me but I am not sure what I can all say to them at the moment. An empty envelope would be for all the things I should be able to say but cannot.

Someone tell my kids I love them. I... cannot. 

I cannot tell if I don't have much to write about or have too much. Would anyone be interested to read about how physical therapy exercises exacerbate my back injury and last night and tonight I am making out at about tan hour of sleep because it hurts and over-the-counter medications they offer don't help at all. My heart is set on getting at this program for ten weeks. It has been years since I got hurt and the sounds my back makes has changed. I am quite miserable though. Not that I ever get much sleep, but an hour is not a a lot at all. Next level tired. My usual three and a half to four leaves my eyes in a constant sore fatigue. This is doubling how fast my hair falls out and forces me to concentrate to remember people's names. Everything feels so bizarre to me. 

I have clothes with my name on them now, but they don't really fit me proper. Health Care doesn't care. What is this diet? They should drop the T. What the hell is that smell? I have looked for where it has been coming from since yesterday. I didn't sniff at the stainless steel toilet too close but I don't really know what it is I am smelling. Am I having a stroke? It sort of smells like burned plastic or something. 

The range has two guys who center around most of the deals. One is generally friendly toward whites. The other is volatile. Both strategies afford each some extra supplies. The friendly guy prepares food and trades for things he wants and guys he looks out for are happy to share. The other guy says he is "the mob" and tries to intimidate guys into giving the mob their percentage. It is all largely predicated on controlling peoples access to getting high. I include coffee/caffeine in that observation. The mob is talking about how they (he) gets a cut of all action on the range. The other guy feels like he is trying to call him out on something and they both end up in an argument which goes into which "soft-ass white boys" are under the protection of the nice guy. That's not how they say it though. They say "Yeah, I ride with (whomever)" and "if someone were to run up on me." If we ride together then if someone starts trouble with you they deal with us both. Run up on me means I am not going to attack you but I will fight. They swear on their gangs a lot which reminds me of little girls in grade school that would pinkie-swear to silly things. These, however, are grown men who could get violent enough to do real damage. As long as they are too lazy to separate and sharpen the leg of the plastic chair we have in our cells or something similar, then it will just be a lot of lip services and noise.

I suspect the strategy to get loud and demanding was why the one of them tried to get tough with me. He seems to target junkies and white guys. Evident in who he deals with as well as the things he says. I think him and the rest of his group expected me to be afraid of them. The last couple rec days someone has offered to let me use a phone. The reality of people who use threats and intimidation is that they are always creating enmity. The delicate balance of keeping authority requires the opposition be held in disadvantage. Otherwise it welcomes a challenger. Although it may have seemed like a new inmate on the range could be an opportunity for exploitation, the worst possibility for them would be to enable a challenger. Because those two are at opposition or some sort of competition, it is best to just get along with me so I don't help one side or the other. That is why it was worth me threatening to fight the lot of them just to use the phone.

I may have failed to write about that moment. I think it was before I had writing supplies here at WSPF. You can see when guys look to enable or disable challenges. I think that's why the system is geared so heavily to do what they want and resist any challenges. Whether you look at the judicial system or the prison system. The due process is designed to be a burden to any challenges by implementing simple excuses to just deny, or at least and most often to delay. It is the root of their authority. "They" are also similar to the people who "break check" you in traffic instead of just focusing on what's in front of them. For damages and delay the look to exercise their control. You probably never thought of it that way but just because a system is fancy or elaborate doesn't mean it isn't the expression of basic tendencies. I only point it out because it leads to questions like should we call all judges honorable? Or, why aren't there exceptions to judicial and qualified immunities? Well, there are for qualified immunities but I mean for pretrial purposes and not for civil suits. I know, it seems like I jumped off topic but it parallels. Lets just leave it at the bit about authorities and their inclination to suppress challengers. Wear those glasses for a few days and see how messed up people are. The integrity of authority is measured in its ability to accept honest and fair challenge. Honorable.

I have been reluctant to do my physical therapy the last few days. It's nice to not need to hold my breath just to walk. I inflate for stability must like the suspension of a low rider. More days than not the range is filled with anti-white sentiment. There is a couple guys that immediately go to condescending remarks about white people whenever they get into arguments. It goes on for hours so loud that other inmates complain that even with headphones on, and turned all the way up, the yelling drowns out music and TV inside their cell. It's true. There is a warning about damage to the listeners hearing at about 70%. 100% isn't even as loud as yelling. It is really, unbelievably loud.

Also, at rec today, I got to play a few games of chess against the inmate "we" sent the chess set to. That was fun. He said something about people commenting that he hadn't had a real chess set and was using paper. I am glad no one can pick on him for his make shift chess board anymore.

I also learned who and how drugs are passed between ranges, which is almost entirely prescription medication. A common way to conceal it is to mix it into food and share the food. Cheesecake? Brownie? Mixed as a beverage with lots of caffeine is a "turn up." What to buy a Pepsi? I cannot buy Sulfur 8 conditioner but guys can order $200 worth of coffee? Junkies crave the stimulants and they are happy to profit from the legal high but if my diet creates a hygiene issue then the effective treatment is not available. "It's not formulated for this institution." I don't know what that exactly means since it was allowed at Dodge. Same concrete and steel as anywhere. 

There is no sleep schedule. Naps whenever I am able to pass out over the noise. The mornings tend to be the most quiet. The state issue underwear are so cheap that the elastic rolls into a rope and tries to strangle your lower half. The importance of standing count every five Horus is probably to make sure our underwear doesn't kill our legs. I am certain they don't care about if our gear can shift, but the legs not working would obligate them to wheelchair us around for stuff. Then, if any staff take vacation, we would have to wait two weeks to do anything. Rec? HSU? Sorry, no staff. (The same way we don't get commissary or property.) I am really surprised they don't go into the cells of the guys blasting their radios and rapping. Usually the inmates have a wire ("stinger") made up to connect the tablet to the radio. If they use it to be disruptive, it seems like a good reason to confiscate the contraband. Instead they just ignore it. It causes people to complain and "kite off the block." I guess I am surprised at how self governed some aspects of prison are, but others are highly restricted. I need a weight to compress the pillows over my ears. Take me some place quiet.