My back really sucks today. My video visit disconnects a few minutes before the end of the allotted time. Thankfully the phone was on but when I call to finish the conversation they shut off the phones. I don't know what difference it makes to them that I have a video call or just an audio call for the scheduled visit. They are watching to make sure I don't get any calls they have an excuse to take away though. This is the type of intentional interference they use to pressure inmates into utilizing the tablet whose terms of service are non-negotiable and there is no alternative competitive option. And my mind always goes to how tax payers should really know what they are paying for. Hundreds of thousands of dollars a year to harass inmates over a couple thousands dollars per year of phone calls to their loved ones? I suspect that whomever was watching over the visit was frustrated the people I talk to aren't trying to flash me their breasts. The creepy voyerism fetish that is satisfied under the false pretense of security feels ever-present.
We just exchanged our blankets to have them washed which happens quarterly throughout the year. Towels get washed once per week. Especially the more absorbent fabrics tend to hold on to urine and body odor. They cannot be washing them thoroughly. When you dry off with a towel the foul odors seem to explode out of the wet fabric. It forces inmates to rewash items by hand which is another inefficiency in this whole wasteful system. I continue to be astounded at how much standing around and gossiping the staff do. They have all the authority to do as little as possible to the detriment of the inmates or tax payers just so they can stand around and flap trap. Every perchance I leave my cell I see money spent where no work is being done or no contribution is being made. The best behavior you can expect from a child would be to lock them in a room, minimize or eliminate healthy interaction, and trash talk each other loudly and frequently enough for the child to overhear? I expect whatever that may do to or for a child holds a similar result on an adult. The DOC probably has a doctor that will explain how that works. As the rotten few apples pollute my opinion of the system as a whole I try to break my obsessive thoughts of suing everybody with thoughts of my kids and how we should be spending the day. Attorney visit moved from July 9th to July 24th which is good news in certain regards. The dude abides.
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Asleep by 11:00pm but awake by 1:07am. Struggling for comfort usually moves me further from sleep. Dreamt I forgot my car keys in my girlfriend's car after we went to lunch. She was stuck at work so I started walking home and came across a small tractor without any mower deck or attachments. I thought it would be fun for my boys but discovered it was missing an oil cap and oil. I knew how I intended to fix it but parked the tractor in another persons barn along the route home. He arrived just as I was hooking the doors shut and was happy I was going to fix the tractor for my boys. His farm was next to the farm where I got the tractor and he knew his neighbors.
Tired. So tired. I am supposedly housed with the guys that are "all looking to strike a deal" to get time off of their sentence or to get transferred to lower security institutions. Just like jail, I am kept in "jump on your case" housing. The security staff refuses to allow me to release any documents to my lawyer and also refuses to allow or accommodate my desire to ship out most of my paperwork by "scanning" and sealing the documents in a box under my supervision. So, they want to go through my mail without me seeing how they process it, which suggests they are at least reading through it and also making copies. What I do not know can hurt me, what other guys pretend I said to them can hurt me, and the system is really designed around creating some plausibility for fiction. It is, in its nature, a years long interrogation for information I do not have, that they would just as well from me instead of admit they are wrong. Inmates would be happy to snatch my trash out of a garbage can to try to gleen information to pretend they had information to trade. It is something that a few of them have actually mentioned they wanted to do to other inmates as though I should expect they are loyal to me for some reason. That weird pretension they trust and confide in you to invite you to confide in them. It is really creepy and they immediately distance themself when I reiterate my innocence. Generally, though, it works. Guys who commit crimes will brag to their peers. The problem is, criminals will lie to get time off or go to an easier prison. It is easy to get information but there is no guarantee it is reliable. Even more messed up is that the guys willing to lie get all the preferential treatment. So they will be given a job to get points to become eligible to be reclassified to go to a medium security prison. Even if they shout "fuck you" at the guards when they get called in from rec. Even if they deal drugs, they get lenient treatment. I believe classification should be based on rehabilitative progress where programs are immediately available to inmates who work through and demonstrate behavioral improvement. Instead, incarceration is just prolonged interrogation where programs are withheld forcing violent and desperate inmates to languish in a very bizarre and peculiar trap. The guards have even shared stories about how guys jump on someone's case and leave here in six months even though they have life sentences for violent crimes. It is alarming to see how the justice and penal systems are really motivated or incentivized by whatever allows authorities to recruit criminals to perform the dishonest actions that allow them to not have to do their own due diligence. It is no surprise recidivism rates are ridiculously high. The "justice" and "corrections" are a misnomer intended to deceive the unfamiliar public. It is an elaborate fraud and I wish I could see it differently but I cannot even give my attorney my paperwork. I don't know many guards names and I bothered to ask another inmate the name of the guard who I presumed to have exhibited jealous behavior when he had observed another guard gawking in a cell. Another inmate knew his name, but also said he is actually related to the other guard, and related to a lot of other guards by blood or marriage. The inmate explained that there are a few families that make working at the prison "the family business" and detailed the relationships, including maiden names and what jobs they currently perform. When I told the inmate about theg guard quickly averting his eyes, the inmate named the other guard peeping in the cell window and explained that the peeper "has a thing for light skinned with dreds." He said she goes around trying to catch them jerking off and encouraging them to do so by straining a look at their pelvis after making eye contact. A different inmate said she was bold enough to walk into the kitchen and tell inmates that she likes brown balls when the inmates were going to serve meatballs some time ago. The inmates went on to describe her last two boyfriends as light skinned with dreds and her supposed private interests. All of the information supposedly a combination of inmates, guards, and her own gossip and actions. If that weren't embarrassing enough, the inmates say that the supervision knows about it but because so much of her family works here and because she has been here for so long, that they just allow her voyerism. Now, I did not see her actually invite inmates to put on a show and I am not light skinned with dreds to be bothered if the rumors are true. My thought about it is that hiring young adults who are developing sexually may become groomed by their experience as guards. So, pat down searches may become molestation and security checks may become meat gazing instead, because of the natural development of an individual gets paired with the activities of the job. At what point may age discrimination be appropriate for the safety of the inmates? And classification should be based on inmate behavior and not some crooked liars game for the safety of inmates and staff. And facilities should be designed for efficiency and squirt squirt safety for everyone. And prison should be about maintaining constructive and productive opportunity so decarceration is possible. And medical care should be mutherfucking required. And sleep. And communication with family and loved ones. And access to legal services and resources. Because without all of that, it isn't a department of corrections. It couldn't be. My most recent reply for requests I hav been sending to HSU states "He needs to change his exercise routine as he is causing himself issues." Except my issues exist as they did when I went through intake at Dodge and didn't have any sort of routine. Now I just do some pull ups at rec because it "targets the injury" to attempt to build up the surrounding muscle without antagonizing the muscle spasm (as opposed to a military press which seems to guarantee it). So they told me to exercise so they can blame me for issues I have when I don't exercise. I wonder how pull ups would cause my hip to hurt. When a doctor can explain that then they are good enough to work for the DOC. Half the year gone. My days are so long. I submitted a request for the state-issued tablet. My eleemosynary existence does not need another burden. I fear it is a mistake but have no other option for even a single evening or weekend phone call. During the evening medication distribution I mention to the guard that I must be the only person in the whole prison who isn't allowed to have mouth wash in his cell because the medication cart does not have any other bottles but the one assigned to me. He says he thinks so too since he "handed out one as K.O.P. earlier" which means issuing the mouthwash to an inmate that they keep in their cell.
No! My back had three days in a row where it allowed me to get about four hours of sleep straight and now it's worse again.
I continue to torture myself by looking at pictures of my kids. I dreamt my boys and I were playing a game at a kitchen table and then I was yelling at my daughter about staying out of the neighbor boys bedroom. I still dream of them younger than they are now. My heart doesn't give up on them. Called to HSU at 10:25am and me with nurse "Suzie." My crunchy Cheetoh for an elbow did a wonderful snap when I straightened it so loud I think the guard outside the room heard it. Suzie says her arm has a similar issue. I pray she takes accurate notes as I list all my pains. There is a guard working the unit today who I notice gives the young guy across from me the extra long look when she checks his cell. Today, as her and another guard come through, she does it again at the same time the other guard approaches my door, but he is watching her as he does it. There was this moment where he snapped his head away just a tiny bit like he didn't want to see her eye-dive another guy. Was that jealousy? They usually walk around as a pair but I always assumed it was being done so if an inmate made an inappropriate comment then they would have a witness for disciplinary proceedings but they don't need a witness anyway. They will find an inmate guilty of whatever a guard says. She seems to collect a lot of ugly rumors. The latest being that she "got drunk and fucked the whole bar" recently. I am sure that is an exaggeration at the very least but that is the sort of gossip that guards circulate about each other. Anyway, the guy seemed to be hurt she was looking at an inmate. I only get the long look from a male guard which is not my preference if I had to pick. I am curious if the jealous male guard will look for a reason to grief the inmate across from me though. I will let you know if I see anything else happen.
I recently dreamt about looking through my father's top dresser drawer for a comb or brush that was not used by either him or my older brother. In a different dream I discovered I had four testicles and thought, "Well, that explains a lot." I do not actually have a clue what that might explain but that's what I thought in the dream.
There was a debate on TV tonight for American Presidential candidates. The current President and the previous President both seemed quite un-Presidential to me. It would not surprise me if the next debate included a viagra fueled geriatric pecker waving contest or wrestling in tapioca pudding. One candidate just fear-mongering and being disrespectful while the other bragged about his inflation fueling policies to privilege special interest over the greater public interest. Hello humidity. Welcome back. I have my fan turned all the way up. The walls are so wet that a piece of tape won't stick to them. I had washed some clothes yesterday and they aren't drying. I continue to think about how I would design an institution to be a safer, productive, and positive system. All these guys villified and given up on because of the misbehavior rooted in wanting attention or acceptance of their family or peers and the path they realized has only carried them further down the spiral. The public interest cannot be to disenfranchise its people. I guess what I am trying to say is disenfranchisement is injustice. My meditations the last few days have been centered on that. It is in my nature to want the people around me to reach peaceful and harmonious lives. Even if I don't really enjoy their company they should have a way to accomplish it where it doesn't interfere with my own zen, or anyone else's. I would suppose thinking along those lines will drag me down the pursuit of happiness analysis which often runs into the write-a-better-constitution argument which always loses to the no-matter-what-you-say-someone-will-always-twist-the-meaning-to-satisfy-their-own-interests counter argument. Then I will tangent to how political theory devised by the founding fathers really doesn't scale to our population very well and now we can plainly see how detrimental it can be to everyone when a system champions the lowest common denominator to leadership. If I go on about that sort of stuff then people will stop calling this my journal and start calling it my rostrum. You all will most likely read this in a typed and digital format but as I write it with pen on paper it is more like inking out loud. Sounds like a title of a poetry book.
The news said the dew point was in the upper 70s to low 80s so the humidity was so bad it appeared as rain on their radar. Perhaps unintentionally or maybe to dry the concrete so wet it was slippery, they opened the doors to let dry cool air into the range. It was more than just enough and an indication that someone who makes decisions here does have a thread of kindness. Or maybe the power bill is crazy when all inmates run their fans at the highest setting? I like the idea that it was done because someone is a good person. I like that explanation the best. It is a really nice day today, probably in the mid-eighties, Fahrenheit. At rec one of the guards configures some doors usually locked shut so he can sit on a chair in front of the open door to allow himself to sit outside and watch the inmates in the yard while cooled by the breeze of air conditioning from the building. It is wasteful, sure. Sort of shameful too, that they would rather throw it away carelessly than to utilize it for inmates whose cells get so wet it destroys books. Most importantly it is an example of how a poorly planned institution becomes an inefficient burden to taxpayers. I don't really understand why guards are out there anyway. They don't get in the middle if fights break out. Guards should have much less interaction with inmates in my opinion. They should have riot dispersing water canons they can shoot from air conditioned towers strategically positioned around the yard. The canons should also have an option for pepper spray if they need. Then they could immediately respond to any physical altercation with suppressive blasts of water. Plus, you could pay a kid $20 per hour instead of $38 per hour and control more inmates with fewer staff. And I promise you any inmate would rather towel off than to have his jaw wired shut or recover from having his face stabbed up because the guards were busy assembling into a group before approaching a violent inmate. Work smarter and safer; squirt squirt.
My other observation is that guards shouldn't be randomly pat searching inmates so much. It is a process abused by guards for their own gratifications and they rarely find the contraband anyway. What I believe a well designed institution should do is to limit the property that is allowed in the inmates cells even more than they already do so they can quickly search through their belongings and relocate inmates to different cells. Most contraband is hidden within an inmates property so the less property they clutter their cells allow for fewer hiding places. They should let inmates release property to visitors, which they do not, and offer more entertainment and education options through the internet. Actually, I imagine a large video display and camera that would allow for virtual doctor visits, educational programs, video visits, or whatever else. Something built into the wall behind thick security glass where an inmate could option a small speaker or headphones/earbuds. They could pay staff half their current wages to enforce the decency standards imposed on any other interaction with staff or visitor, and then the interactions would have an independent account of what transpired. No more framing guys for solicitation with fake butter stories? It could be safer for the inmates. It could drastically reduce inmate movement to HSU and their housing unit, allow for inmates to be seen quicker, and limit the potential exposure of inmates hostile to each other, or even hostile to staff. Triple the construction cost per cell to halve the operational expense, and reduce potential lawsuits by accepting more responsibility for the "persons in our care." We can demand more out of our cell phones and should demand more out of our cell homes too. The idiocy of a penal system and how it cultivates criminal lives. Inmates should be provided every opportunity to satisfy restitution, rehabilitate and rehabituate into lawfully productive group members, and be able to do so safely. Otherwise it isn't really a department of corrections. It's just The Department of Incorrections. Two, or more, wrongs do not make anything right. Even the most heinous criminals seem to disconnect from the crimes that caused their imprisonment and the wrongs perpetrated by the system fail to have relevance. An inmate being molested by a guard because he got caught brewing hooch doesn't think about, or talk about, how he is here because his first drunk driving ticket was the result of an accident where he crossed the center line and caused the death of two people. Or if he gets caught with porn? At what point is the government just assuring future problems? When people become so incarcerated that decarceration is not possible? We should be doing "this" better. Where do we start? Think water guns. Squirt squirt! When a persons actions are consistent with their words then their intentions are self-evident. Judge Bruce Schroeder often shared the story about when he was a kid his neighbor was a judge who liked the saying that "The brain cannot absorb what the seat cannot endure." Bruce himself reiterated that saying multiple times throughout my court proceedings, including during the trial. When he told the jury the trial would last about two weeks, then imposed a "snow day" in fear of the weather, then took an afternoon off to drive his wife to the hospital, then let the prosecution speculate and masquerade conjecture as fact for over two weeks until defense counsel's witness subpoenas expired, and then dismissed the remaining defense witnesses to the preference of the prosecution, I knew something was wrong but was in such confusion about everything that I did not immediately recognize the scheme. Especially if you consider he not only refused to read the Denny motion, but also prohibited defense counsel from questioning anything pertaining to information contained in the Denny motion during the trial, it becomes evident that part of his role was to exhaust the jurors patience. To have "gatekeepered" exculpatory information and cross-examination of the Denny motion and invited any blatantly obvious fabrication and false testimony, as well as irrelevant testimony whose only purpose could be to besmirch my name as it demonstrated absolutely no relevance to the case or the truth-seeking process of trial, all points in a specific direction. And there was a moment where he bragged about not being fearful of his rulings being challenged in appellate court. Based on all of those things, and I am sure more I fail to recollect at the moment, I think it would be reasonable to infer from statements and patterns of behavior that he intended to have an unfair trial by framing the jury, but he also intended to undermine my ability to appeal by allowing or building a false record. It is emotionally difficult attempting to process being framed for crimes I did not commit. My heart grasps desperately for anyone to weigh the facts instead of the fiction. The court is supposed to assure in that interest but instead I found authorities colluded in moral abandon for my wrongful conviction with a diabolic scheme to also attempt to deprive me an appeal. I don't know how much of what I just mentioned will be presented in post-conviction arguments. I have ready plenty of judicial and prosecutorial misconduct cases where every possible excuse is afforded their wrongdoing. I just don't see how any honest and reasonable person could not see it for what it is: an elaborate scheme to wrongfully convict and shift the burden of proof to the defense through the use of fabricated testimony and evidence at trial. And if it were just that simple, but the judge, by all appearances, was in on it too.
While at the law library this morning the legal clerk tells me about how they installed a camera to specifically view the computer screen of inmates looking at their discovery material because inmates look at the pornography they had on their phones at the time they were arrested. I do not want to be using the computer the previous inmate was just using to masturbate. I don't feel that recording my discovery material respects privacy and confidentiality required for due process in post-conviction or appeal procedures though. And just like peeking at guys in the night, how much of this prison system is allocated to policing masturbation? Most of the guys in here only care about getting their rocks off through drugs or sex, or both. They weren't working on a retirement plan before they came here. Education and professional development was way more complicated than bullying their mother or whatever other weirdo loser program that got them by. That's sort of mean, but I see guys primarily concerned with superficial and immediate gratification and nothing else. What confuses me is taxpayer dollars being used to try to regulate some twenty year olds self abuse. If it doesn't affect anyone else then what interest does the government take in policing it? The war on drugs is not winnable. Not even in prison. The war on dittle bugs is also not winnable. Guys, and girls, are going to succumb to their passions. Especially without the availability of a romantic partner. Paying someone to peek in cells and watch guys use a computer would probably be better allocated toward having inmates wash their hands and providing enough computers to do legal work in the proximity of staff. "Keep your hands above the table." Or maybe there is a security interest and rehabilitative interest for sex crimes. I don't know. Maybe if guards didn't require access to look at me in my underwear while in my cell I wouldn't be questioning their motives and methods. The humidity has dropped quite a bit today. The guard who pays me extra attention caught me standing in my underwear this afternoon with his long dick-high stare. It isn't too humid for pants but always wearing them creates in-grown leg hair. Regardless, I knew he was working and should have planned accordingly. It still startled me to turn around from my sink and see his eyes buried in my undershorts. "Hey, I am up here! Eyes up here!" I am surprised prison issue undies don't have a window in the front, you know, "for security." The tablet services have optioned a monthly one-time rate for Pluto TV access. It has reduced the cell-to-cell yelling quite a lot. I guess they are monitoring what guys watch and movies that show nudity are being blocked when they find out. The masturbation police shall restrict your toilet paper, steal your mail, and censor mature TV. Each guard that each prison allocates to perform these responsibilities reportedly clears over $100,000 in wages not including benefits with retirement options after 20 years. I have said before and I say it again; they have enough staff but they use them in all the wrong way. And, yes, it is awkward and sad that that is "what is going on" for me to write about. The unpleasant heat and humidity continue. About 4:50pm the guard who shows unusually high interest in me stands outside my door while inmates are momentarily let out of their cells to grab a meal tray. Because of the weather, I am in my underwear and have the lowest portion of my window obstructed so you have to walk up to the door if you want to see my lower half. I suspect the guard doesn't want his meat gazing to be so blatantly obvious for the camera as to stand right at my door to watch me. He does, however, knock on my door and tell me to remove the piece of paper. When I explain I am in my underwear and don't welcome people checking me out from the busy hallway, he says "they are getting on us about things being in the windows" which is probably not at all true since he is the only guard to make an issue out of it. He can see in my cell, but he just cannot stand across the hall and see below my torso. I remove the paper from the window but go lay on my bunk and cover up until he leaves. I understand I am in prison, but it is events like this that demonstrate how there isn't a legitimate security interest, but a personal interest that inmates have no protection from. Well, not none. I should be clothed or under enough covers if I don't want to be consumed by hungry eyes.
Finally got a video visit to work. It never works well but it connected for the complete duration. A guy named Robert Hughs supposedly filed a lawsuit about inmates having access to things they purchased on the old tablet. New state-issued tablets were available on April 10th and there are a lot of complaints about the costs. I want to go kick a soccer ("football") around with my kids. |
aboutThese are the journal entries of Zachariah Anderson. All entries are originally handwritten by Zach and then transcribed on his behalf. Please note that occasional misspellings and grammar errors may be fixed during transcription for the sake of making the entries easier to read and sensitive information may be redacted. Archives
July 2024
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