April 6, 2024

I dreamt about leaving an evil city far South through a desert. I could not find the Ghost Bridge to leave and had to fight or flee all the demons and devils until I discovered I could grow wings and fly. I flew North to the nearest city and could not find a place where people would accept me. I asked an old friend for help and he said I could not get by watching a machine in a lumber mill but would not be welcome to design or build anything of my own. A lumber mill in the desert? So my brother and I got into his car and were going to leave when we crossed paths with a hostile driver who passed by us blowing his horn and swerving aggressively which made no sense because it was two lanes each way on a boulevard with a median so each of us could drive our own lane but the other driver just wanted to be aggressive just because we were going slower. My brother and I were talking about where I would go live because everyone hated me and how places I used to call home would no longer welcome me. I awoke with the thought that my wings would need to carry me to a place that no one would hate me. As I lay here, that thought somehow wandered to the memory of advice I was given when I got locked up: don't let it change you. The invariable truth is that prison will exhaust your life but doesn't improve anyone. They have some programs they only show urgency or importance in the few months before an inmates anticipated release, but the greater share of being incarcerated is being programed with behavior that is opposite to being a healthy functioning and contributing member of society. I feel like I have been forced to cohabitate with a bunch of pigs that have rolled in their own feces expecting it is mud. I don't want them to touch me. I don't want them anywhere near me. I just want to fly away and be left alone. They don't know or cannot tell how disgusting they are. The desperate are dressed in cheap rags. The resentful are dressed in cheap uniforms. They both wear a filth they pretend serves some good but are lost for what good really is. In my dream, I suppose it makes sense to grow wings and fly away. It does bother me that flying to my kids was not part of my dream. I expect that would be the simple emotional answer. Although I cry much less often nowadays, I love and miss them still.  I unexpectedly burst into tears while watching movies and tv sometimes so I know there is a well of emotion just under the surface. Some wounds don't heal correctly and some never heal at all.