August 16, 2023

I don't have much to offer but my thoughts. There is not much I go through on a daily basis that deserves much comment. I don't think. I have gotten a few messages this week and always enjoy the acknowledgement. It helps counteract the feeling of being buried alive with desperate little devils that never shut the fuck up. Always yelling between their cells. A couple of things I read about in the messages I would like to offer my opinion about:

People commented about how I looked and my appearance at trial. Noticeably way different than when I was arrested.

​​The extremely harmful neglect and abuse while I spent three years in jail was way beyond most people's imagination. I went from about 215 pounds down to about 167. No real medical care. They regularly made up bogus reasons to throw me in the hole just to trash my things and on multiple occasions took my legal material, I presume to look for information about the case.

I know my family now possesses one of the psychiatric questioning they go through with inmates. Mine was completed as honest as I could be, which was no threat to my own or anyone else's well-being. I remember hearing the guard call the supervisor while I sat in the tiny security conference room: he said "Yes, I guess he could be lying." The next week when the doctor reviewed the form there was no explanation about why I was in the hole. Even when they could find no petty excuse.

Before body cameras there were two guards that bragged about how it was their job, specifically that I was sent back to the downtown facility for them to "break" me. Not only do people not understand what I went through, they don't know what that often times the 50,000 volt taser pack that was (about the size of my calf) attached to my calf was biting into my muscle uncomfortably and I could not really adjust it. If it appeared I was tampering with it then the Sheriff deputy with the remote might be inclined to activate, as the acknowledgement form I signed before each day of trial, involuntary urination and defecation.

They didn't let me get a haircut for eleven and a half months at least, before I stopped asking. The sun-kissed hut that disappeared from my flesh was because I was not allowed time in the sun. Not because I turn into a bat and fly out to entrance and exsanguinate unsuspecting single women with unlocked double French doors to their bedroom balconies (That's a vampire joke. If you think vampires are serious business and should not be joked about, well, too bad. Sucks for you! Hah!)

What I am getting at is that the conditions I was subjected to weren't just the lowly standard that meth and heroin junkies, but also of someone the authorities believed knew anything about some local guys disappearance. I would sort of liken it to a three year interrogation of harassment and hostility that, if not directly performed by the guards themselves, were orchestrated by housing me with the worst offenders and the worst housing units at all times I wasn't otherwise thrown into the hole. Even for a time in administrative segregation they kept me in the cell immediate to any inmate who was off his medication and yelling and pounding all the time. Real and severe mental illness. So, I am sure I don't look too good by the time I made it to my second trial. People commenting that I look guilty or like a criminal or anything of the sort are the prejudice the prosecution is taking advantage of with delaying the trial in the first place. Does anyone think I look like a criminal in the pictures of me at the time I was arrested? Healthy and confused. And if you think I look like I might spark a spliff then I suppose most people look like criminals by that standard.

​Another thing people have commented on is that whomever has taken an interest in my case is doing so with romantic ulterior motives. Only one woman has made a pass at me while communicating with me. Almost all other people either knew me previously to my arrest, could articulate why they thought the trial was bogus, or had a traumatic event they experienced themselves which allowed them to sympathize with the hurt in my eyes while at trial. I know a lot of the group are female but a lot of the attorneys that review the trial are male. So are a lot of supporters that don't maintain a very public face. Accusing the women who are helping to right this wrong, especially the married women, of romantic interests is just another version of sick prejudice I don't appreciate.

I think most people have organized here because we want to revise the wrongful conviction and if we work together we can achieve that goal. After what I have, and continue to, go through, when I come home, I will be looking to help anyone else I believe to be wrongfully convicted. I sort of feel like I will have to just to try to heal the emotional trauma that never actually mends. I guess I am not certain but I will see what the therapist I eventually work with will advise.

​The last thing I want to comment about is that the quality of commissary items is really substandard. Some things people sent I had to return because it was more than the allowable limit. Other things just fall apart and are just junk. There is no consumer protection for inmates. Please, let me ask for what I need. I need a lot, and on an ongoing basis. There is plenty of opportunity to help. I might even give in and request a TV so I can talk about football. There are a few items I will request through my family since I do not wish to be wasteful. Thank you for reading this journal. Thank you for all the help.