August 20, 2023

I fall asleep after 9:30pm standing count. Awoken from my third dream, that is, three times awoken by another inmates radio playing too loud and twice for inmates yelling. The last instance takes me from a dream I didn't want to let go of though.

I came "home" to an upper flat of a duplex. The kitchen was really small and the floor stood on an inch deep in water and ice cubes with the freezer door hanging open. I went to the first bedroom down the hall and my daughter and son were playing or arguing but said they were being good. My son said his twin was down the hall when I asked so I walked to the end of the hall to the master bedroom. The door way stood at the head of the bed. As I stood at the door way the bed was on my left. There was a few feet at the foot of the bed and then some windows with blinds and curtains surrounding a huge window mounted air conditioner. When I rounded the end of the bed I found my other son playing in water that had run from the air conditioner and completely soaked the carpet. He was naked with suds on him like he was taking a bath. He was startled to see me and fearfully made his way to the bathroom down the hall. When we got into the bathroom he turned to face me and slipped to fall right on his back. I grabbed him by his soapy upper arms and picked him up. Looking at him, now somehow fatter and younger I told him "Don't be afraid of me. We aren't going to fight. Even when you are older, if we do, I still love you. Now come on, we have a big mess to clean up."

11:24pm. Startled awake. Crying huge puddles into my pillow. I see them both when I turn the light on to write about my dream. I am still snot nosed and streaming tears now as I scratch out the broader details. If you are thinking that the freezer has something to do with the trial, you are wrong. I was reading a book someone sent me about German words and phrases. It says there is a term for someone being cowardly if they are afraid of cold waters. Cold showers specifically. Today was so humid that the books cover curled and some of my envelopes glued themselves together without the assistance of saliva. I am crying too much to really continue this. And now, trapt awake until tomorrow night, most likely. Worst neighbors ever.