December 28, 2023

I got an hour of legal access this morning. I hate having to ask another inmate for help searching information in legal access. I am forced to divulge things in my searches I don't prefer to share with inmates. Especially after the misinformant at my trial.

We get chased out of legal access after an hour and the other inmate is complaining that they pretend we cannot get recreation but four guards are just standing around outside the control cage doing nothing. That is just for this housing unit. I tell him that there is probably four more in each housing unit and HSU, and the control room. With "needs of the institution" being any possible means to sit around to soak up a paycheck by doing nothing. I am fairly comfortable with that, honestly. Taxpayers might not be, but if they aren't tossing my cell and trying to grief me then I will withhold complaints. 

The guy a few cells up from mine has had his cell tossed five times in the last two weeks. They told him they "must have forgotten to log it" when he complained about the repeated searches. He even had a guard promise to log it after the second last search. With guys in a vomited to exhaustion and drug cocktail induced stupor I expect they are going to break rules to get away with some extra searching. I guess they even vacuum out the drains when they do the more invasive searches. Locking guys in a box without a tv, radio, or books might yield in some substance abuse. I already commented on escapism. The prison imposes the greatest possible conditions to encourage escapism but only provides drugs to guys which get binged and mixed. I feel like all inmates should be accommodated culturally appropriate escapism of radio and TV, at least. The addicts will still look to dose themself, but any help reducing that pressure seems like the "right" thing to do, in my opinion. Unfortunately the people that believe in the institutions role to grief through restrictions and deprivation wouldn't realize any satisfaction from that. They must be so happy we don't even get recreation, legal access, family access, or privacy to any sensible quantity.

I dreamt about my daughter being tiny as a bunny rabbit and living in a tiny house where I would lay down and talk to her through a big window. Actually not stalker-ish, but I know someone will try to spin it that way. My boys were also sitting and jumping on my back to go on a ride like I would pretend to be a horse. It was a short dream though. Most are when you struggle for even a few hours of sleep.

When the guard chased the other inmates and I out of the library he had slammed the lever handle of the door down in what I would guess was a playful attempt to startle us to which I commented about having a weak heart and he replied "more like a broken heart." I can't imagine wha the might base that on aside from his impression of what was broadcast from the trial. Guards usually play ignorant of inmates charges or convictions but there are subtle indications they know about more than they pretend. Especially with so much time to stand around in groups and chat. It reminds me of the guard saying "that's Anderson" to another guard after I arrived at Boscobel. The other arrivals weren't identified to the other guard, at the time. I don't mind them knowing who I am as long as they don't harass me.