July 23, 2023

Yesterday they added some guy who is always pounding and yelling. Last night/this morning about 3:00am, a different one was singing out of his cell. Right now it is about 11:20pm and I am the usual tired but was thinking about the ugly details of being in here while listening to the new guy yell. There are some things that aren't so easy to ascribe monetary equivalence. Lack of sleep, for one. No idea what that does to a person's health but I imagine I am destined to learn. Even just getting brought to unit 18 required a strip search while being issued into really trashy clothing. The guard that asked me to spread my cheeks wasn't even the most awkward part of it. The supervisor who stood behind him and had gave my manhood the long stare was the creepy part. He was the one with the mistaken belief about my looking down and to the right when I was just turning my head to hear him outside the plexiglass while I was knelt down in front of the access opening in the door. Pickle smooching meat gazer. Seemed like he enjoys his job to presume the worst of everyone just so he can afford himself another opportunity to peek.a penis. Visual rapist. 

I went to look at the time earlier and the noisy guy in the cell below me could be seen through the reflection of the one way glass on the control "bubble." The angry yelling was accompanied by him crawling across his cell naked. My eyes didn't need that. He was crawling away from the reflection. Like, can we not at least keep underwear on? It's hot in here. Its sticky. We only get two showers per week. I feel like Mother Nature is inviting me to, but no. Two showers per week, both on and off discipline. Yes, my underwear are now inside out. You have to "bird bath," and wash your parts with a rag over the sink, which always clogs, or the toilet. Arm pits, ass, crotch, and face/head all tend to be the critical stuff. I was my feet regularly too. I hold on to a milk carton or two and fill them with water one button press at a time for 4 ounces. Cold water rinses the soap off faster. Yep. Strip it down and lather you unmentionables over the toilet and ladle the soap off with a milk carton. Then lay around in your cell and sweat some more. Want to go to recreation? You can do some jumping jacks and get that heart going and we will get you a shower... three days later. The standards of not being punished. 

The yelling is so bad that the guards just leave the unit. The rest of us just have to live with it. Movies don't depict mental illness in "asylum" or institutional settings accurately. Its a cacophony of yelling, pounding, and singing. Loud bursts for hours on end. Like when dogs start barking and others just join in for inexplicable reason? Sounds like the guys are running out of steam.  Give them a few hours and it will go again. I am still expecting to ship out tomorrow morning. Eventually I suppose I will get used to stripping for men. Immaculate them, feed them soy to tip the hormonal scales, and see how many participate in homosexual behavior? Maybe it is just that masculinity is a threat. Vilify testosterone in the name of safety.

​I have a theory with mass vaccinations there will be mass sterilization. It's just a theory. How many people got their children Covid shots? About ten years from now will be interesting to see. My parental rights were taken from me but I hope I remember to ask the next time I talk to my daughter. I am actually opposed to Covid shots and the boosters. Great marketing campaign, but I don't believe it's for everyone. Plenty of studies contradict the hype. Thank you W.H.O. for reliable information that our C.D.C. contradicts. Wash your hands! Face masks? No.

The national guard administered DNA collection and covid tests against our consent while in Kenosha Jail. It was really bizarre because they would just quarantine healthy with the sick and wait for everyone to get each other sick. Eventually they tried selling covid shots actually, paying inmates with money on their account to get the shots. I wouldn't be surprised if the information collected by the government was used for more nefarious purposes. They have damaged the trust! Going to the hole where guys had covid was so nasty. The vomit, spit, and snot all over the walls. They do a much better job of cleaning at the prison. I did notice they had repainted the disciplinary segregation unit to present pictures of it at my trial. That was not how it looked when I was in there.

I am really looking forward to tomorrow so I can order some hair ties. Another thing I would consider immasculating. If I demanded a woman wear her hair a certain way it would not be received as somehow innocent. They could pretend it has an excuse to do with safety but something can be hid in braided and dreadlocked hair as well. It's really just a petty harassment. The fact that they sell hair ties once you get to your regular spot is proof of that enough. They sell them here but always seem to be out of stock of property they don't want to search through.

This journal idea might prove to be a terrible idea since people will get to read about the psychological hamster wheel a person is trapped in while confined like this. I thin I do better than most people about it but I also wonder what it will be like to be around normal people again.

When I was originally arrested, my girl told me not to let being in jail change me. I wonder how my family will see me when I come home. The judge ordered I could not communicate with her and she moved on about a year later. That was years ago now. She never wrote to me or anything even after the trial was over. I suppose she might be happier to forget me and I would rather her be happy than anything else. She isn't the first one I lost to circumstances unrelated to the relationship. Most of my previous romances seem to end that way. Not for personal differences. Changed schools, moved away, she changed jobs, I changed jobs. I never had it happen where I could not at least say good bye. That would probably be meaningless to her anyway by now. Probably best to leave well enough alone. I don't even know what type of common ground I am going to find with someone after this. W/hat would the dating profile read? Likes to pace back and forth at random times for hours day or night. Really good at reading books I hate. Washes himself over the sink and toilet. Hasn't held a job in more than three years. Has no money. Swipe right?

I do miss work and won't be broke for long. Once they finish cannibalizing my property to settle what I currently owe for legal costs and apportion what is left for further legal costs I think I still owe. I will be in debt when I get out, not just broke. I have never been in debt, aside from when I took my mortgage.