September 7, 2023

Just after 3:00pm, I talk to my daughter on the phone. She tells me about how she thought her mother was attempting to feed one of my boys the leftover food from her boyfriend's plate so my daughter took my son to go get his own plate of food. My daughter goes on to explain that she is going to interview with Law & Crime tomorrow. She says it is her own decision but has no idea how it may affect her future. I desperately advise against it. It sickened me that I was accused of manipulating my daughter when it is so obvious that she has been manipulated to say and testify to things that couldn't possibly be true. Now her mom has her going to interview for a global audience to what repercussions she could not possibly fathom. The selfish idiocy that jeopardizes their own well-being and chances at establishing stability, and dare I say, normalcy, after what has already happened. I am so sick about it. I am so upset I want to vomit. Both calls used to speak with her could not possibly be enough. I cannot protect my children from their own mother's interests as it is her that manipulates our daughter. Feeding her to that child predator prosecution wasn't enough. And now it is going to get worse.

Walking back to my cell I catch a guard sneaking out of my room with my garbage. What? Garbage isn't contraband. I think they are studying me. I haven't seen them take the trash from any other cells they shook down. The last time they searched my cell they forced me to have a garbage can when I didn't want one. I have been set up! The trash can trap. The invasion of privacy includes anything I wrote and elected to throw away. 

My physical therapy routine starts today with Theraband Y, T, I, and Low I pulls. I also do a scapular wall slide and an odd Spiderman rotation. My injury knifes me for the I pull and the scapular wall slide. It really gets at me depending on how I turn my head while doing these motions. I guess that sort of makes sense based on how I hurt it. I was walking into work after lunch and the rug in front of the door had split its layers. My stride kicked the rug up, as I presume my toe caught it, and as my next step scissored passed the other leg there was a rug flipped up between my legs to trip me. I gave it a little hopping motion but lost my balance going forward. I went to land on all fours but collided with a glass block privacy wall, folding my ring and "pinkie" or little fingers back and smacking my head on the wall. Speared it good and had a big ol lump on my head. I had a "Charlie horse"/muscle spasm in my back for eleven and a half months. I spent a lot of that time layed out in bed. Or, on really bad days, in the tub. Too painful to get to a toilet, it was better to use a towel or two to suffer immobility in some type of basin with a drain than in a bed of absorbent material. I went through over-the-counter options, physical therapy, suction cups, acupressure, acupuncture, chiropractic treatment, the entire sample drawer of a few doctors, a "tens machine"... all sorts of stuff. Eventually I made it to a pain specialist who injected medication directly into the muscles. "Trigger point" injections. The muscles quivered and relaxed after almost a year. I cried. The doctor was in a moment of elated shock. He was saying "I saw it! I saw it!" Eleven and a half months of debilitating muscle cramp. Now, my back panics when I turn the wrong way or lift things. It cramps up and feels like someone is leaning on my back with their elbow. Its an annoyance that grows to a tremendous frustration/irritation. Especially because it is enough to interrupt my sleep. I used to sleep on a heating pad that stayed on longer than two hours, and that would help. My ex would pound on my back and that used so good but the satisfaction faded quickly without prolonged heat. In jail, and prison, they instruct you to put hot water on a towel. It cools off in minutes even if you are lucky enough to have a sink that can produce hot water. Non-effective treatments are your only options while locked up. Early on, I took so much Ibuprofen I think I burned a hole in my stomach because now it gives me stomach aches. Tylenol and other pain relievers don't do anything to help. Muscle relaxers make me nauseous or dizzy. It makes noises, so something moves that shouldn't, I figure. Then my muscles panic and try to hold me still awhile, I suppose it has already healed incorrectly or suffered permanent irreversible damage. In a way, I am my worst enemy. What a curse? Often it feels like it is hard to breath because it is in my thoracic spine, the middle hard to stretch. Very solid portion of the back. Sometimes it will make a clicking sound while I breathe. Rarely, it will make a snapping sound that I feel in my skull. The click must contact a rib because I feel that all the way around to my sternum. My elbow made two popping noises while sweeping the floor in jail. I was knocking some dirt together and the broom caught funny. Sharp pain right away that then went away in a couple seconds. Then, maybe fifteen minutes later, I went to pull open the door to go to rec and alarming pain spiked through my elbow again. The doctor at the time for Kenosha said I needed physical therapy for 12-16 weeks while it was healing, but then they didn't provide physical therapy for 12 weeks or more. I expect the elbow healed wrong too, and makes its own noises. It actually hurts less after I do a few push ups. It will make a click or snap, and it feels like something pops back in place. It still hurts, but it is then less painful to do push ups. It is always tender and sore at my elbow. I can feel it is somehow to do with my right ring finger as well. The tingling in my right heel I think is caused by the tendon in the bottom of my foot and my hamstring. Curling my toes while doing a hamstring stretch produces a sharp pain. Perpetual headache and eye pain, probably from lack of sleep. Baking my head in the pillow oven seems to help a bit. Good, healthy nutrition and proper rest is just a fantasy while locked up. I guess I am not really sure why I am explaining all of my health issues. Probably boring to read about.

Really, I was laying here playing a game on the tablet because I was not able to keep concentration on a book while my had searches for any way to help or protect my kids. While I was playing the game, I just started crying. Well, weeping, anyway. Tears running down my face. I often reply to a letter to change my frequency. I guess I went with the journal tonight because it was on the top of my writing supplies. I am going to go write a letter of random shapes and cryptic symbols to keep in my garbage. Decrypted, it will say: Amor Vincit Omnia. Guards will be excited to find that! A few frenzied minutes with a cracker-jack decoder ring and Google translate? Supervisors probably get the decoder rings. That's next level cool type stuff. Regular guards get to seize the encrypted messages but supervisors get to sit in air conditioned offices and play on their phones. Oh, and decrypt messages. I know I will get that for a tattoo when I get out of here. I don't have any ink yet. The I love You hand sign on the t-shirts and Z-swag? The members blowing up chat streams with it in support? I am not sure where, yet. Probably put my kids names on my chest over my heart. I won't be doing any face tattoos. How do you save children from their own mother?